How Long Did It Take You to Write That?

This is one of those questions, like “Where do you get your ideas?”, that people will keep asking writers – and like the question about ideas, it’s one that doesn’t have an answer, or at least not the kind of answer the questioner is looking for.

Even before I was a novelist, people used to ask me how long it took me to write my dissertation.   The only answer that I could give them – “Well, if you look at it one way, it took me three years.  If you look at it another way, it took me about three very intense months.  But I needed the three years first.” – somehow never really satisfied them, even though it was true.

The short story I finished just this past weekend is much the same.  In terms of actual putting-words-on-screen writing time, it took me about a week.  But this was a story for which I’d had the title and the central conceit rumbling around in my head for a lot longer than the three years it took me to write my dissertation back in the day – and not until last week did it take on enough shape that I could make a narrative of it.

(Why then, after all that time?  I have no idea. But when the Muse shows up with a plot and a theme in hand, only a foolish writer turns down the gift.)

This Just In

Self-publishers and cover designers take note:  The Metropolitan Museum of Art has placed “more than 375,000 images” from its online collection into the public domain for free and unrestricted use.

Which is a bit of good news to brighten up what is – at least up here in far northern New Hampshire – a grey and snowy day, in a generally grey and dispiriting season.

Magic Shop Needs Help

Over at his blog, Jim Macdonald re-posts an appeal to stage magicians and illusionists on behalf of a Baltimore magic shop:

jamesdmacdonald's avatarJAMES D. MACDONALD

To all my terrific customers!

Just got this note from our pal David Oliver. I am asking every one of you as a favor to one who has always been a friend and mentor to all magicians, Denny Haney, to please do  what you can to help one of the few truly great magic stores in this country.

THANK YOU!

From David Oliver:

I have known Denny Haney, of Denny & Lee’s Magic Studio in Baltimore for over  twenty-five years. Denny is one of the most knowledgable magicians I have ever known, as well as being one of the most giving. He always helps young magicians starting out, and older magicians looking for information or tips. His background in magic is astounding, and he is one of the few who is universally respected in the industry. He’s just a GREAT guy. He’s run into a bit of financial trouble, and…

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I Like Reality…

Jim Macdonald waxes political again, over in his blog.

jamesdmacdonald's avatarJAMES D. MACDONALD

…I live there.  It’s where I keep my stuff.

 

Now comes the news that Trump pressured Park Service to find proof for his claims about inauguration crowd

On the morning after Donald Trump’s inauguration, acting National Park Service director Michael T. Reynolds received an extraordinary summons: The new president wanted to talk to him.

In a Saturday phone call, Trump personally ordered Reynolds to produce additional photographs of the previous day’s crowds on the Mall, according to three individuals who have knowledge of the conversation. The president believed that the photos might prove that the media had lied in reporting that attendance had been no better than average.

“No better than average” is being kind: by all available metrics the crowd at Trump’s inauguration was smaller than that for not only Obama (only about a third of the size) but for George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.

As I…

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Fifty Shades of Grape

Over at Jim Macdonald’s blog, he takes on a forthcoming movie and a popular, not to say notorious, book:

jamesdmacdonald's avatarJAMES D. MACDONALD

I see from the posters outside my local cinema (local = forty-five minute drive in good weather, assuming no logging trucks) that the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey is about to hit the screen.

As it happens, a while back I watched the first Fifty Shades movie on DVD, because, among other things, the book had sold a million-bajillion copies and I too want to sell a million-bajillion copies of my books.  I’m told that the movie was a reasonably-faithful line-by-line/scene-by-scene transfer of the book to screen.

The movie contained a number of protracted and deadly-dull sex scenes, which were scored with insipid and deadly-dull background music.  I discovered a way to improve them.  First, turn off the sound on the video.  Substitute either “The Song of the Volga Boatmen” or “The Song of the Horse-Drawn Machine Gun Cart.”  (This also helps with the movie’s various protracted…

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Why the Girl Scouts Remain Awesome

Here’s a post on the official GSUSA blog explaining why Girl Scouts from one council will be marching in the Inaugural parade on Friday (short version:  it’s the DC area council, and they’ve been doing it for the past 100 years), and why other Girl Scouts will be marching in the Women’s March on Saturday, and in other marches across the country (short version: GSUSA is about teaching girls to make their own decisions, not about top-down control.)

Also – it’s Girl Scout Cookie time, and the classic shortbread trefoils are an awesome cookie.  Buy some if you have the chance – here’s a link to the official GSUSA page with info on finding cookie sales near you.

Setting a Magic Set

If you’ve got an amateur magician in your life, Jim Macdonald has a gift suggestion over at his blog.

jamesdmacdonald's avatarJAMES D. MACDONALD

So, for some wild reason, you feel the need to put together a magic kit for someone you really like.   Rather than going out and laying down a couple of bills on an “executive magic kit” (as you can find various places),  here’s what I’d do:

In

  • A nice leather briefcase,

put:

  • A copy of Mark Wilson’s Complete Course In Magic,  by Mark Wilson.  Softcover is in print, but hardcover copies in good condition are available very inexpensively from any used-book shop — and you can get an autographed and personalized copy direct from Mark, so that’s the way I’d go.

Then the following gear:

  • Two decks of Bicycle Rider-back poker sized cards, one red, one blue.  Available from any variety store.
  • Six American half-dollars, reasonably well-matched in appearance.  Get the kind with an eagle on the back.  $3.00 at any bank.
  • Two old-fashioned English pennies, the…

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A Linguistic Conundrum for the Season

If you celebrate Thanksgiving with a traditional roast turkey, do you serve it with dressing, or with stuffing?

Butterball (the turkey people, the same ones who run the feast-saving turkey hotline every year) have a page devoted to that very question.  Turns out, as I suspected, that dressing is mostly Southern, and mostly cooked outside the turkey rather than in, while stuffing is more Northeastern, and is usually cooked (unsurprisingly) inside the bird.   My Southern roots show up in this:  In my native dialect, it’s dressing, and gets cooked in a separate dish, the better to have enough of it left over for breakfast the next morning.

(What?  You’ve never had leftover dressing for a post-Thanksgiving breakfast?  You’re missing something good.)

Now that we’ve settled that question, we can move on to which method of preparing green beans is the proper and canonical one:  Are they slow-cooked with bacon and a generous amount of salt, or are they cooked quickly and left unsalted so as to retain their crunch?

He Finds Your Lack of Faith Disturbing

jamesdmacdonald's avatarJAMES D. MACDONALD

Darth Vader does the Linking Rings. He knows the ways of the Force. Also the Elmsley Count, the Double Lift, and the Regular Pass.

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Random Thoughts for a Random Sort of Day

Or, bits of loose mental fluff that were never enough to make a whole post by themselves:

The thing about obsolete tools for critical argument is that nobody ever bothers to box them up and put them away after acquiring a shiny new set. Instead, they’re left lying around out in public where untrained amateurs can pick them up and use them for god-knows-what.

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I’m not sure whether the Cult of the Western Canon is the result of the tendency of (mostly male) literary critics to turn everything into a dick-measuring contest an emergent property of the patriarchal nature of western institutions of higher learning, or the natural consequence of there only being room in a two-semester survey course for so many books.

(It’s always a bit unsettling to open a new edition of a familiar anthology textbook, and see which authors have been thrown out of the lifeboat in order to take aboard someone new.)

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There are times when I’m convinced that the only two states in the life of a freelancer are the state of too much work and the state of not enough money. What’s pure hell is when they both hit at the same time. Theoretical speculation suggests that the simultaneous state of too much money and not enough work must also exist; but I don’t know of any freelancer who’s ever actually achieved it.

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If you want characters to generate plot and conflict, they need to have shadows in them to hide stuff and angular bits to catch on things.