Fifty Shades of Grape

Over at Jim Macdonald’s blog, he takes on a forthcoming movie and a popular, not to say notorious, book:

Madhouse Manor

I see from the posters outside my local cinema (local = forty-five minute drive in good weather, assuming no logging trucks) that the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey is about to hit the screen.

As it happens, a while back I watched the first Fifty Shades movie on DVD, because, among other things, the book had sold a million-bajillion copies and I too want to sell a million-bajillion copies of my books.  I’m told that the movie was a reasonably-faithful line-by-line/scene-by-scene transfer of the book to screen.

The movie contained a number of protracted and deadly-dull sex scenes, which were scored with insipid and deadly-dull background music.  I discovered a way to improve them.  First, turn off the sound on the video.  Substitute either “The Song of the Volga Boatmen” or “The Song of the Horse-Drawn Machine Gun Cart.”  (This also helps with the movie’s various protracted…

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